For a “A Short Book of Negative Thoughts.”

From an email exchange with Dachu (my brother), dated 6th July 2013:

Here is the first negative thought: I often recall that I feel immediately better when I leave things worse than I found them at first. For example, when I and someone start talking, it feels instantly better if I put him/her down with some discouraging or insulting remark.

Second example, whenever I see a group of young people talking, or even anyone talking and laughing, I feel like saying something to dampen the mood, and tell them they are all living in a fantasy world and they should get real. When children are playing I almost always feel better if I curse them and tell them to keep quiet and go inside and stop making noise.

Another thing I feel most satisfied doing is when someone talks to me, smiles at me, I keep a firm expression on my face, and look at them as if they are making a fool of themselves, and by not smiling back at them, I can show them who has the upper hand, me or them? Definitely I have the upper hand.

And the most satisfying negative feeling that immediately gives me much pleasure is when someone calls me and I don’t pick up the phone, even though I can see their number on my cell phone. I wait and wait and then quickly go to voicemail to check their message. And then I conclude they are good-for-nothing fellows, whoever they are. Anyone who calls me is lower than me and I will sweat them out. Emails are better. I will read their emails over and over again without responding. Actually I don’t delete them, but keep reading them but I won’t respond. This way I can show who is the boss. Definitely I am the boss.

And I had also discovered that I can comment on blogs of my friends by using a name that no one recognizes, like timbuktoo or something. I just cannot tell you how low these people are who write blogs, and how superior my viewpoint is, I just cannot.

Raj Karamchedu